The mental breakdown I had a couple Thursdays ago.

I wrote this a couple days ago, and I'd like to preface that I'm posting this because I haven't really explained to most of my friends what actually happened and the subsequent self-mindfucking that I initiate internally.

Bam:



For the first time in 20 years I had my first mental breakdown. For years I felt extremely confident in my mental capacity, and just recently I've started to question my own cognitions. It's a little frightening to be completely honest. It's scary not being able to trust your own abilities.


But I think it all came to an apex last Thursday.

After two weeks of working on my applications for the promotions coordinator and music director positions at the local radio station, they were denied. Not because they were bad, because I was late by one day.

I lost my shit, and I lost it fast. I ended up freaking out so bad that I just went home, and the thing is I never get so worked up that I need to go home. I never feel that necessity of comfort and nostalgia that transports me back to Battle Ground, but it happened (luckily it was a weekend).

But the thing was I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I mean it's always bad when this kind of thing happens but I drove for four hours just so confused I couldn't verbally express why.


I got home Friday afternoon (only to my dad's knowledge) and surprised both my mom and sister for Easter weekend.

I got to shmooze with my sister's new boyfriend whom I refered to as "the dude" because of his sole purpose to simply exist when my sister appears. Plus it's really fun to just harass my sister's trophy, insisting that when we get home from dinner that he needs to rub my belly. (and he actually tried to humorously when I didn't expect it and almost punched him accidently because he snuck up on me with a man's hand on my stomach)

And my sister's getting amazing at tennis. I don't where she got it in our family.

What was better was I saw my family in unison for the first time in probably 5 years. By that I mean together and simultaneously happy to be together. We truly do love each other, but it's been so long since my family was together laughing and smiling and enjoying each other's company.

As soon as the major events from Friday were over I called whom I consider to be my closest friend. We went and saw Observe and Report in town (which by itself was awkward because I ran into every kid I graduated with and all insisted that I find that they're "just making money right now".


The movie was interesting because it held no actual reason to exist other than the fact that it was:
A. Dry
B. Explicit in every facet.

When the movie was over we both sat in my car and she watched me basically go back to losing my shit again. I knew it had to do with something with the movie, but I couldn't figure out why.

Now initially I thought it was because the movie made no sense. There was no symbolism behind anything. It wasn't a satire. It was just a movie about someone slowly losing their mind.


Yesterday I realized why; It was because it was radically representing my current state. I slowly was slipping out of grasp of everything I was hoping for and gaining steam (although my situation was less radical. There was much less male nudity and drunken sex in my occasion).

and THAT was the reason we cut back to me with my friend watching Leno on my couch tearing up and shaking quietly.

It was at this moment that I realized how well the last year has worked out. Since about mid-2007 every major transition I've made has been done fluidly and without worry. From one job to another, housing, bills, future, everything falls into place.

From there she went home, I hugged her, and exclaimed my appreciation for her friendship.

The next day was prep for easter. I started my day off with my mom. It was so comforting to be with her. We went to run errands and laughed and enjoyed each others company. It's amazing the relationships you build with your family after you leave the nest. It's then when you realize how intrinsic you are to each other was you've neglected the positions of comfort you've had.

We picked up movies and food for easter and I spent the evening with my parents. We drank wine and ate appetizers and thought of good dog names for future pet prospects. We thought "Scotch" or "Skully" would be good names. Then Quinn and Kevin and Vance came over. We grabbed brews and sat in my hottub and contemplated sex and relationships and everything in between. They seem to take a serious interest in meeting my girlfriend for the first time.

Man stews give me a great sense of nostalgia.

During the day I received close to 100 records from a family friend. The collection was originally over 2000 but he had lost almost all of them when his collection was permanently damaged from a water leak. I'll spare you the gruesome details but just know it was the saddest story I have heard in a while and that I promised him I would take amazing care of the records. Only he and I could share a relationship that close over pieces of wax. We both almost wept over the story.

Sunday morning came and I woke up late and a little shined over. I came downstairs and we ate kielbasa and eggs and beets (it was comforting, and very Polish). I watched "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" on my dad's new plasma. Later I watched Annie Hall with my mom. I don't think she enjoyed it as much as I did. It gave me a lot of perspective on relationships, without exuding any actual enlightening statments. I'm still not sure what Woody Allen means by "Love means never having to say your sorry", partially because I've been in love probably 3 times (not counting the day I discovered The White Stripes) and have said that word approximately 3,200 times.

We later sat down for the last time in a while to eat our Easter dinner. I drove home soon after.

Now the epilogue to this story is I eventually got a new opportunity to apply (for a different position for nearly the same spot I wanted)

Things settled again and everything turned out ok again, which I'm very grateful for.

But for once my family pulled through so well. They knew what to do exactly and I'm ashamed to forget that they are so good at doing that. I doubt they really knew what they were doing exactly that made me so happy.

I really do miss my friend Matt. I hope he does well in the Middle East. I wish he was in the stew with us like it use to be.

It hurts to know that my girlfriend will leave when I know how fruitful we coexist. The fact alone that she's so conscious of what I need makes me love her all the more.

In the (unwarranted) defense of Phil Spector

Now I know I won't be on the good side of society right now with what I'm saying. But I do feel a little bad for Phil Spector.  I'm aware that he has been convicted of 2nd degree murder (when fucking Robert Blake got away scott-free).  If you've ever read the actual testimony I'm surprised it wasn't lessened to 1st degree because it's apparent he's lost most of his mind. (And not in the homicidal sense, but in the senile sense)

That's not to say murder is something I regard as acceptable.  What I'm saying is the guy is being parodied as ruthless and insane, when in reality he's suffered serious brain damage and acted out that seems more out of mental instability then legitimate intent.

And the thing that bothers me most is the fact that his legacy will be completely forgotten.

Before he lost his mind in various accidents, he produced some of the BEST albums consecutively and created the most ingenious recording technique, The Wall of Sound.

He was recording music with African American singers when they were being forced out of the industry.

-The Ronnettes, The Crystals, The Righteous Brothers, and Ike and Tina Turner.

He produced "River Deep, Mountain High", and the original version of "Proud Mary"

He also produced some of the most amazing records I've yet to ever hear:

-George Harrison "All Things Must Pass"

-John Lennon "Plastic Ono Band" AND "Imagine"

-The Ramones "End of the Century"

-Leonard Cohen "Death of a Ladies' Man"

-The Beatles "Let It Be"

His "Wall of Sound" technique is an audible orgasm.  It influenced The Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds", Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run", and The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band".

If you've ever actually listened to some of his work, it just hits you in the face without a void of music.  Everything is always flawless.  If you know me personally you know my obsession with good Christmas music.  If you ever find "A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector" fucking get it.  Some of the best production work to this day.

Now at this point in reading (or perhaps from the very beginning) you might be thinking that the only reason I choose to defend a murderer is because I find such a high distinguish for anyone who falls into my snobby category of music.

That I cannot defend.  But I assure you I've tried to acknowledge the whole situation from all sides.

What I'm saying is he has done wrong.

He committed an act that is unforgivable.

But up to the first 60 years of his life he was pure man with incredible talent.  And from what I have gathered he acted out of tortuous mental handicap and has ruined his life.

I find it unfair that they brand him as the "hilariously crazy person".  It's just a tragedy (and NOT a comedy) all around.

Fuck you morning show hosts and comics.

There's an actual story behind this but I kind of just like staring at it.

Passports and Porn

It's sad when you've come to the crossroads where you now realize that you anticipate "that's what she said" after watching a commercial. And as you listen passively you wait analytically to see if it works.


Like with a commercial for Washington's advanced driver's license:

"It's cheaper" ok
"It will save you time" better
"and it fits in your wallet" that's what she said?

no dice.



ALSO.

I just found out that they're making a Scrubs porno.


I'm not sure if I should be hedonistically excited or completely mortified.

So I did some research. And then I got the mortified thing. Jesus christ is porn bad. I'll negate the movie poster or any links. You can gauge your eyeballs out on your own.

A Cat Power biography? WTF?!

Yeah I know...

The Link

The Inevitable Surge of Vitamin B

I forgot what it was like to sweat.  (Partially because my physical activities consist of, wait, nevermind)

But four things are contributing to this reversal:

1. My kayaking.

2. My jogging (pronounced "yogg-ing")

3. Seeing a cigarette on any media medium (as I've gone... 36 hours w/o)

and...

4. The fucking sun (?) !

It's literally been long enough where I forgot that you can sweat by walking a horizontal plane when it happens to be 68 degrees out.

So of course this required me to do one thing: music (pronounced "mews-ack")

I realized that since my hard drive crashed (from all that porn) I lost my playlists of nostalgia.

So it's a new declaration of terms this quarter.  I'm rapidly trying to get my preverbial shit together and I figured some new things would help.

And so I've decided to make a list of the things that are helping with the fluidity of this life transition.

(it's basically an Oprah's Nowak's Favorite Things List, with about 2,000 mg of Vitamin B)

starting off is this link to a very good song to drive to on the freeway with the windows down.

Seriously though, it changes religious ideologies.

And expect a list on the left hand side of Business Time very soon.

and everyone smells like cocoa butter.

As he takes a drag off his cigarette and then puts it out on brick wall he sits on.

Now the thing about Natalie Portman's Shaved Head is they just aren't good enough to really sell a show by themselves. I mean they're a great band to watch live, but they have no real gusto.  They're just a novelty.  It's like Twisted Sister of the 200os.  They novelty and attraction, but nothing really else.  And THAT'S why they are doomed to the existence of playing just the festivals and opening for M.I.A. and shit, but they're NEVER gonna get real legitimacy.

"The reason you get to wear tight pants is because you walk around acting like you're going to fuck anything that moves."

That came out of nowhere...

Used bookstore owners are FUCKING DICKS

Something about spring I read on the internet

"One reason the economy is so sour is that nobody wants to tote barges or lift bales, they want to be edgy and multilayered and express their anguish in some colorful and inexplicable way."


Very true, Garrison Keillor. Very true

Clickity-Clack!