I wrote this a couple days ago, and I'd like to preface that I'm posting this because I haven't really explained to most of my friends what actually happened and the subsequent self-mindfucking that I initiate internally.
Bam:
For the first time in 20 years I had my first mental breakdown. For years I felt extremely confident in my mental capacity, and just recently I've started to question my own cognitions. It's a little frightening to be completely honest. It's scary not being able to trust your own abilities.
But I think it all came to an apex last Thursday.
After two weeks of working on my applications for the promotions coordinator and music director positions at the local radio station, they were denied. Not because they were bad, because I was late by one day.
I lost my shit, and I lost it fast. I ended up freaking out so bad that I just went home, and the thing is I never get so worked up that I need to go home. I never feel that necessity of comfort and nostalgia that transports me back to Battle Ground, but it happened (luckily it was a weekend).
But the thing was I couldn't figure out why I was so upset. I mean it's always bad when this kind of thing happens but I drove for four hours just so confused I couldn't verbally express why.
I got home Friday afternoon (only to my dad's knowledge) and surprised both my mom and sister for Easter weekend.
I got to shmooze with my sister's new boyfriend whom I refered to as "the dude" because of his sole purpose to simply exist when my sister appears. Plus it's really fun to just harass my sister's trophy, insisting that when we get home from dinner that he needs to rub my belly. (and he actually tried to humorously when I didn't expect it and almost punched him accidently because he snuck up on me with a man's hand on my stomach)
And my sister's getting amazing at tennis. I don't where she got it in our family.
What was better was I saw my family in unison for the first time in probably 5 years. By that I mean together and simultaneously happy to be together. We truly do love each other, but it's been so long since my family was together laughing and smiling and enjoying each other's company.
As soon as the major events from Friday were over I called whom I consider to be my closest friend. We went and saw Observe and Report in town (which by itself was awkward because I ran into every kid I graduated with and all insisted that I find that they're "just making money right now".
The movie was interesting because it held no actual reason to exist other than the fact that it was:
A. Dry
B. Explicit in every facet.
When the movie was over we both sat in my car and she watched me basically go back to losing my shit again. I knew it had to do with something with the movie, but I couldn't figure out why.
Now initially I thought it was because the movie made no sense. There was no symbolism behind anything. It wasn't a satire. It was just a movie about someone slowly losing their mind.
Yesterday I realized why; It was because it was radically representing my current state. I slowly was slipping out of grasp of everything I was hoping for and gaining steam (although my situation was less radical. There was much less male nudity and drunken sex in my occasion).
and THAT was the reason we cut back to me with my friend watching Leno on my couch tearing up and shaking quietly.
It was at this moment that I realized how well the last year has worked out. Since about mid-2007 every major transition I've made has been done fluidly and without worry. From one job to another, housing, bills, future, everything falls into place.
From there she went home, I hugged her, and exclaimed my appreciation for her friendship.
The next day was prep for easter. I started my day off with my mom. It was so comforting to be with her. We went to run errands and laughed and enjoyed each others company. It's amazing the relationships you build with your family after you leave the nest. It's then when you realize how intrinsic you are to each other was you've neglected the positions of comfort you've had.
We picked up movies and food for easter and I spent the evening with my parents. We drank wine and ate appetizers and thought of good dog names for future pet prospects. We thought "Scotch" or "Skully" would be good names. Then Quinn and Kevin and Vance came over. We grabbed brews and sat in my hottub and contemplated sex and relationships and everything in between. They seem to take a serious interest in meeting my girlfriend for the first time.
Man stews give me a great sense of nostalgia.
During the day I received close to 100 records from a family friend. The collection was originally over 2000 but he had lost almost all of them when his collection was permanently damaged from a water leak. I'll spare you the gruesome details but just know it was the saddest story I have heard in a while and that I promised him I would take amazing care of the records. Only he and I could share a relationship that close over pieces of wax. We both almost wept over the story.
Sunday morning came and I woke up late and a little shined over. I came downstairs and we ate kielbasa and eggs and beets (it was comforting, and very Polish). I watched "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" on my dad's new plasma. Later I watched Annie Hall with my mom. I don't think she enjoyed it as much as I did. It gave me a lot of perspective on relationships, without exuding any actual enlightening statments. I'm still not sure what Woody Allen means by "Love means never having to say your sorry", partially because I've been in love probably 3 times (not counting the day I discovered The White Stripes) and have said that word approximately 3,200 times.
We later sat down for the last time in a while to eat our Easter dinner. I drove home soon after.
Now the epilogue to this story is I eventually got a new opportunity to apply (for a different position for nearly the same spot I wanted)
Things settled again and everything turned out ok again, which I'm very grateful for.
But for once my family pulled through so well. They knew what to do exactly and I'm ashamed to forget that they are so good at doing that. I doubt they really knew what they were doing exactly that made me so happy.
I really do miss my friend Matt. I hope he does well in the Middle East. I wish he was in the stew with us like it use to be.
It hurts to know that my girlfriend will leave when I know how fruitful we coexist. The fact alone that she's so conscious of what I need makes me love her all the more.
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