Sunday, June 28, 2009

Graduation: the premature silly string ejaculation.

My sister graduated about two weeks ago. Here are my thoughts from it (you would write notes too if you had to sit through 250+ kids each getting their names read off and cheering for about four of them)

-First thought: as this thing is starting I have an overwhelming urge to streak across the stage screaming "0-7! whooo!". It's almost a burning thought to do so.

-I don't think it's possible to really change the world when you say it to a crowd that isn't listening. It's almost sad because they aren't even close to that cognition right now. Neither am I, for that matter.

-Is Vitamin C (the singer) really tacky or genuinely appreciative of youth? She had to have some input for that god damn graduation song, but maybe she was just trying to make a buck. I do feel bad for Green Day, though.

(I think this was about the point the speeches started)

-The salutatorian is totally going rogue right now. Agh! Fucking pansy. She just almost totally went femininiste on everybody and backed out. Dammit that would have made this whole thing worth it. ....And a nice subtle gesture hinting at Hilary Clinton, oh... but does not stick the landing.


-I'm about done hearing the phrase "in these tough economic times". Unless you're actually making a speech explicitly about "these tough economic times", you don't get to say it. We fucking get it, I can't find a job anywhere.

-Seriously this salutatorian chick is starting to sound like a feminist hybrid of the Hulk Hogan and George Patton. The sour response is disappointing as she did a decent job with no communication training.

-And now this place has proceeded into becoming a monster truck rally

-Four columns to my left is a guy I graduated with in 2007 who has proceeded to scream "that's my sister!" every time she is noticed by said family. God Dammit.

-After my new uncle noticed my annoyance, he shouts "O'Doyle rules!". Thank god for remarriages.

-In retaliation I shouted "Marcy kicks ass!" But only because she really does.

-In the first 45 minutes of this ceremony, they've already hit off four beach balls, making this graduation contain a policy of one beachball on average every 11.25 minutes. This is more entertainment than I was expecting.

-There is an overwhelming number of hot seniors here in attendance. The odd thing though is all the dads here look like they come out of two categories:

A. They look like retired pornstars.
B. They look like they just got out of prison.

-I'm having a vivid imagination being played out of 50 dads or so making an unexpected appearance for the daughter's graduation. Now I'm thinking about "The Wrestler" and how un-similar my scenario and that movie are. Does that make me an optimist?

-Two distinguishing features of my sisters graduation:
1. She got a bigger standing-O than me when they called her name.
2. She's sitting at the same spot I was. and I know why:

-Back when I graduated I had above a 3.5 gpa but I wasn't in National Honors Society, because of which I got to sick with the commoners and not all my nerdy friends (whom, in retrospect, were total fucking snobs). I ended up sitting between five guys who all use to pick on me during middle school. We spent the majority of our time ignoring the speeches and talking about strip clubs. I hope she's having the same experience.

-I think the biggest revelation I've had so far tonight (beside that I'm sweating like a hog in this shirt) is that I've become old enough where hitting on high schoolers is creepy BUT I'm almost old enough to successfully hit on hot teachers and faculty. Where's my old photography teacher?

-Teachers really are hot sometimes. Ok I'm done talking about teachers.

-Speaking of hot girls, there's none my age here. In fact, there's none.  I'm almost positive there's got to be some here that I know, aside from a bank teller and my ex-girlfriend selling seat cushions and gatorade to old people.

-There's almost no guys here my age either, and the three or four here all look like me. That's really weird.

-The class just prematurely shot they're silly string before the class president said "congrats class of 2009", and now they all look sad because they just realized that it was shot off too early. Is that symbolic? No probably not, I'm just an asshole.


...and a picture of my sister and her substitute teacher brother:



sweat stains and books by gay humorists are really what it comes down to. (click if you want to see it bigger).

No comments: