Delilaaaaaaaaaah

Months back I was working a very very very very very very very long shift

Four hours patrolling on foot followed by another eight driving around campus.

This shift also started at 8pm.

A lot of weird shit congeals into thought when you watch the sun come up after being fatigued.

This was back during the holiday season, so the main things on the radio were npr holiday pieces and a straight sets of music on the local channels.

But before the shift to daylight there became one thing I haven’t heard in years: Delilah.

Years back my sister and I use to listen to this woman on the local soft rock station during the holiday season. Delilah was on all of the time, but during the November/December programming, she was forced (?) to play holiday hits.

A couple years ago, to our discontent, we discovered that apparently John Tesh took over, and Delilah was rendered useless to lull the masses to sleep with contemporary Sheryl Crow songs.

(Part of my despise with terrestrial radio comes with a large knowledge of its demographical appeasements)

ANYWAYS here I am barely awake operating a motor vehicle and all of the sudden I hear the familiar jingle of a bygone era “Deeeeeee-liiiiiiiiiiii-laaaaaaaaaaaah”.

Oh the familiar nostalgia! Delilah, you sultry woman with your love for the same Bing Crosby/David Bowie duet being repeated too many a time! How I missed you so!

I hear that same tone of voice I heard a long time ago announcing songs and reading off fan emails about uplifting stories of struggle overcome.

Well, apparently shit is different.

Now the problem is not change in format, but rather it has to do with clarification of her anonymity. Delilah is not who I think she was.

First off, I had no idea Delilah was a single mother with a troubled past husband. This doesn’t bother me. Rather I feel this demonstrates strength.

She tells many stories of her children (who it seems haven’t aged since the last time I heard her) and has quite a few children call in talking about what they want from Santa.

Her familiar nature seems the same until it take a total left turn.
What I didn’t realize about Delilah is that she is a raging Christian. Not like “I have my beliefs although they will not affect the literal way I frame my show”. It’s more like the opposite of that.

And every caller over the age of 18 is in a heterosexual relationship. I question either her call screening or her orientation of the show.

For about 15 minutes I seriously considered calling into the call screener as a straight man missing my girlfriend during work, and then when the switch to the actual Delilah came I would throw my best fake story in about how my boyfriend is in Seattle and how I miss him for the beginning of Hanukah… just to see if she actually knew how to handle the situation.

Now back to the Christian thing. She did this thing where she had the “subtle” tone in her voice that you’re going to burn in hell if you didn’t believe in Jesus as your personal savior.

She had one listener sent an email to her saying the following the story.

This woman is listening to Delilah after getting of the late shift of her place of business (I swear to god [ha!] every revelation story starts off this way) driving down this random highway thinking about her adherence to Agnosticism when she hears (wait for it, wait for it) a Faith Hill song about Jesus and Christmas. Suddenly as this song comes on she notices a farm coming up in her peripheral vision. As she approaches this farm on the highway she sees on the barn is an illuminated cross made out of Christmas lights. And this woman suddenly feels that something “higher up” has called to her with this faith, saying something like “well… I don’t know, I’m not positive but I think someone was speaking to me.

And then Delilah goes “Well, there’s something to think about.”

Then a really really old Christmas song.

Fuck you, Delilah.

Ok first thing:

I now know why Portland, Oregon no longer chooses Delilah for quality soft rock hits to lull you to sleep.

Second, when did Christmas become such an aggressively Christian celebration? Or has it?

I remember as a younger person I use to get very angry about news stories reporting a Christmas tree being taken down for freedom of religion reasons.

To a certain extent, I still do, but for different reasons. Christmas to me means nothing about accepting a personal savior or celebrating a new born king.

Christmas mean the following:
Hedonism
Guilt because of hedonism
Overcoming hedonism via giving
Satisfaction of overcoming hedonism
Drinking too much whiskey, watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and then passing out in your old bedroom.

Now, where has Christmas gone wrong?

Agenda.

Atheism is a growing trend in our society (not that I really adhere to much of anything these days). Make Chirstmas cool. Or rather, change the agenda. Make strictly a “home for the holidays/give to the needy” vibe.

Because as I sat there in that Dodge Colorado with little to do I realized that we hear so many Christmas classics because the new shit is much like the Republican Party, overly Christianized. Bring it back to its roots (and here I’m picturing something slightly Mad Men-esque). Everyone dresses in a shirt, gets church out of their system the night before, tosses a highball, and socializes while stuffing their craws with excessive amounts of starches. None of this really takes place.

I mean, Christmas as an adult never equates lots of fun with family. Rather the holiday entices a little bit of aggravation more than anything.

But at least we could try and sell it back to the gold standard (ok I promise this is the last political analogy). The music was catchier, less morale compass, and usually involved alcohol. Except “Santa Baby”. Holy god is that song awful.

So boil down Christmas: Alcohol, Family, Hedonism.

Religious undertones are killing Christmas music.