Graduation: the premature silly string ejaculation.

My sister graduated about two weeks ago. Here are my thoughts from it (you would write notes too if you had to sit through 250+ kids each getting their names read off and cheering for about four of them)

-First thought: as this thing is starting I have an overwhelming urge to streak across the stage screaming "0-7! whooo!". It's almost a burning thought to do so.

-I don't think it's possible to really change the world when you say it to a crowd that isn't listening. It's almost sad because they aren't even close to that cognition right now. Neither am I, for that matter.

-Is Vitamin C (the singer) really tacky or genuinely appreciative of youth? She had to have some input for that god damn graduation song, but maybe she was just trying to make a buck. I do feel bad for Green Day, though.

(I think this was about the point the speeches started)

-The salutatorian is totally going rogue right now. Agh! Fucking pansy. She just almost totally went femininiste on everybody and backed out. Dammit that would have made this whole thing worth it. ....And a nice subtle gesture hinting at Hilary Clinton, oh... but does not stick the landing.

-I'm about done hearing the phrase "in these tough economic times". Unless you're actually making a speech explicitly about "these tough economic times", you don't get to say it. We fucking get it, I can't find a job anywhere.

-Seriously this salutatorian chick is starting to sound like a feminist hybrid of the Hulk Hogan and George Patton. The sour response is disappointing as she did a decent job with no communication training.

-And now this place has proceeded into becoming a monster truck rally

-Four columns to my left is a guy I graduated with in 2007 who has proceeded to scream "that's my sister!" every time she is noticed by said family. God Dammit.

-After my new uncle noticed my annoyance, he shouts "O'Doyle rules!". Thank god for remarriages.

-In retaliation I shouted "Marcy kicks ass!" But only because she really does.

-In the first 45 minutes of this ceremony, they've already hit off four beach balls, making this graduation contain a policy of one beachball on average every 11.25 minutes. This is more entertainment than I was expecting.

-There is an overwhelming number of hot seniors here in attendance. The odd thing though is all the dads here look like they come out of two categories:

A. They look like retired pornstars.
B. They look like they just got out of prison.

-I'm having a vivid imagination being played out of 50 dads or so making an unexpected appearance for the daughter's graduation. Now I'm thinking about "The Wrestler" and how un-similar my scenario and that movie are. Does that make me an optimist?

-Two distinguishing features of my sisters graduation:
1. She got a bigger standing-O than me when they called her name.
2. She's sitting at the same spot I was. and I know why:

-Back when I graduated I had above a 3.5 gpa but I wasn't in National Honors Society, because of which I got to sick with the commoners and not all my nerdy friends (whom, in retrospect, were total fucking snobs). I ended up sitting between five guys who all use to pick on me during middle school. We spent the majority of our time ignoring the speeches and talking about strip clubs. I hope she's having the same experience.

-I think the biggest revelation I've had so far tonight (beside that I'm sweating like a hog in this shirt) is that I've become old enough where hitting on high schoolers is creepy BUT I'm almost old enough to successfully hit on hot teachers and faculty. Where's my old photography teacher?

-Teachers really are hot sometimes. Ok I'm done talking about teachers.

-Speaking of hot girls, there's none my age here. In fact, there's none.  I'm almost positive there's got to be some here that I know, aside from a bank teller and my ex-girlfriend selling seat cushions and gatorade to old people.

-There's almost no guys here my age either, and the three or four here all look like me. That's really weird.

-The class just prematurely shot they're silly string before the class president said "congrats class of 2009", and now they all look sad because they just realized that it was shot off too early. Is that symbolic? No probably not, I'm just an asshole.

...and a picture of my sister and her substitute teacher brother:

sweat stains and books by gay humorists are really what it comes down to. (click if you want to see it bigger).

People need to stop dying!

I need to say that I'm genuinely sad with the death of Billy Mays today. I've thought of this in the context of two dynamics.


1. He was on the cusp of being a real pop culture icon (and at 50?)

Billy Mays has been busting his ass for over a decade now and seemed to be taking on a role often played by Chuck Norris, Adam West, or William Shatner. To make it sadder, it wasn't like he hated this role, often embracing it and parodying himself (I saw a Leno once when he was using his selling voice and reciting Hamlet)

2. He (to me) legitimized a really stupid business.

Within the last two months I started watching "Pitchmen" which happens to be great television. It really demonstrates how dedicated he and Anthony Sullivan are to really trying to show how serious they take their work. It's not a game, it's an actual process that requires a borderline Ph.D. in marketing, and they fucking know how to do it.

But it all is just kinda gone, leaving so much potential, and I think it makes this death more sad than any other as of recent.


So what are you saying, Mark? Are you saying that his death is sadder than most occurring now?

Yes, that is EXACTLY what I'm fucking saying. Billy Mays is the Jeff Buckley of recent celebrity deaths.


Rest in peace, Billy Mays. I certainly will miss you.

There was a moment a few days ago where me and my dad watched 35 minutes of "Into the Wild" while drinking cheap beer and I think we both almost cried. There is something so right about that guy.

Michael Jackson

After the four consecutive texts I received while rummaging around an adult bookstore Thursday afternoon about Michael Jackson's death. Two opposing trains of thought are occurring simultaneously about this.

One is "This is not a shock in the least bit."

The other is "Elvis"

What I mean by the first is it's kind of a "who gives a shit?" stance. Honestly in all context this isn't that surprising. Severe drug addictions, image issues, etc (actually I've got this hypothesis that MJ went batshit after his hair caught on fire back in the 80s during the shoot that Pepsi commercial). I mean in all reality something like this was bound to happen. Sad? Yes. Shock? Meh.

Now by what I mean by "Elvis" is Michael Jackson was basically Elvis. I mean, fuck, during E's last few years he would go the morgue in Las Vegas routinely just to try and feel a sensation of being alive. How did he go? Basically along the same lines, drug irregularities led to his body giving out.

Where's the commonality in the Elvis theory? Well for starters they are the two most influential individual pop singers... ever. Michael Jackson basically spent his entire life underneath the camera since a child. Elvis was close (I think mid-20s). Fame really fucked them both. They went insane in different ways because of the unfortunate choice to expose their remarkable talent.

Fuck, maybe Salinger was right... but maybe just about pop stars

My girlfriend and I walked downtown late last night to get some food and they had recreated the Thriller dance they did during Halloween. As well every vendor was blasting MJ as we walked around.

And we watched the pilot of Six Feet Under, which I now realize feels very ironic.

I've been out for a while.

OK so i've been a lot of lazy this week.


but i will soon blog my summer album blog

my graduation blog (about my sister, it involves streaking. wait...)

and something else i had but i forgot already.


talk to you soon.


oh! it was about dead weather (the band).

ok yeah

It's a sad day.

David Carradine, also known from Kung Fu and Bill from Kill Bill committed suicide today at the age of 72.

My girlfriend and I were eating sub sandwiches and watching the news when they told us, and she said that she's never seen me so instantaneously sad about something.




I think that has to do in large part with the fact he was such an exponentially amazing badass.

We will miss you.

Deer Tick

St. Louis, May 31st. The Decemberists with My Brightest Diamond